Monday, May 30, 2011

tears relay messages

i learnt a couple of things today... i am not sure if it has to do with rob's reading about "be ruthless in seeking out experiences that gives you a chance to tap into cultivate, and express your most unique qualities'.

today i finally had an outburst... it is not very glamourous when it happened at work. i got irritated at a colleague for calling me names that stemmed from me hurrying another colleague to go to lunch and crying "dont tell her where we are going... let's go quickly!" ok, so much for teasing, she said that calling me names was just joking too... when i expressed my displeasure at the unappropriate choice of names, she had to call me yet another one... that's it loh... so i hid in the cubicle and cried...

sitting on the toilet bowl had a very theraupetic effect for me... as i cried and attempt to expel wind from my body, i realised i am very stressed up by massive volume of work and increasing changes in the company... i have been, of cos, suppressing all the frustrations, anger, disappointment, unhappiness, annoynance, insecurity for all the longest time...

i had a hard time stopping myself... even getting out of the cubicle with minor success... went right back in after seeing my blood shot eyes... but because i didnt have my bag and phone and money and had a lot of work to do, had to face reality and go back to office... scaring maybe one or two on the way...

by the time i came home, i was beyond control of any sort... not really hell break loose kind, cos it's only me and i am really not that 'powerful'...

it was crying on the sofa with tv on, messaged a friend, then proceed to sob loudly in kitchen, then decided i should shower to calm myself down, so started removing my make-up while wailing and leaning on the basin, face wet and eyes red, walked to bedroom to get towel, walked back to kitchen, squated in front of the bathroom and sob loudly into the towel... then finally had a sister walked out of the room to check on me...

calmed down and went into the shower, continued with the tears relay, got out and messaged another friend cos the first friend hasnt replied, sobbed a little more, decided no matter what i should still eat, scooped half a bowl of rice and cried and put back one scoop of rice, switched on the computer with tears twinkling (or rinkling or whatever) down my face, realised that the internet connection was not working, cried cos i cant even blog now even though i desperately need to today, ate a mouthful of rice, finally got reply from friend (one of), cried, got another reply from another friend, continue crying....

so that was from about 8:40pm till now, which is about 10:50pm. i dont think i can enter world guiness record for crying for the longest time, but i could be the first to cry so long and bother to record it down.

all the while the above happened, there were 2 other people in the house... one behind a closed bedroom door, another ears plugged to a korean comedy... then about 20 minutes ago, another one came home, but basically i am non-existent or that i have not cried... life is nearly pathetic like this...

i finally realised how people can get murdered, jumped out of the window, raped, fainted and knocked into something without having witnesses even though there are people in the house. i could have been so close to have one of the above happened to me.

but i am too glad that non of the above happened to me. i was saved... but still frustrated :(

for so many lessons i learnt today, here are the points: -

> if you think you are overloaded, say you are, and decline any 'new opportunities' that are not relevant to your work, including renovating the office, doing another company's work when you have no bloody idea what the fuck they are doing

> when it is time to make changes, go ahead and make them, yourself! nobody loves you more than yourself. be kind to your body, mind and soul.

> people who dont care about other people's feelings or are not watchful of their mouth, citing frank character as the reason and disregard your presence, is well, not worth your time. they will never become a life long friend nor confidant.

> dont pretend that nothing has happened, but everything had! what's so weak about showing your feelings? it's not a weakness, it's just an embarassment. but what's so bad about being embarassing? it's not bad, just that you get laughed at. then you laughed with them.

> if you would like to get saved, you have to cry very loudly in the face of another person. IN THE FACE. that is exactly why so many korean stars dont get saved.. they cry alone at home. and they usually have ropes.

> never expect anyone who you sms to save you. not that because they dont want to, but because the timing will hardly be right. if you want someone remote to save you, you CALL. and the ambulance or police will be good choices.

> to get through life, you need a lot of optimism, humongous amout of humour, overflowing love for yourself and life, creativity for ways to vent frustrations, people you can laden with your worries (like SOS line), a thick skin for not feeling paiseh to laden your worries on other people, friends who give sensible consolations, friends who can drink with you and make sure you live till you are sober, family who are in the house but dont really care if you are alive until they realised the clothes are not folded and bills not paid...

in any case, i am not so serious about the family part, just that we should be more expressive...

and so much for crying... i have finally stopped (i think) at 11:15pm.

to rob, if crying is a talent, find me on the cinema screens near you...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

carousel

i cant really pinpoint my feelings

i have been caught up with brimful of work for the past 3 days
and could not forsee how things would end this week

and today he left, whether he liked it or not
with all others left behind gathered around the table

no more politics, devil's advocate said
my eyes could have rolled from kallang to yishun and back
but they didnt

they stayed put where they were
my heart was weightless
my nerves were calm

now, my eyes are moist
but it is not really sadness in me
it may be tiredness
it may be realisation
it may be nothing

pray help the people in the carousel

up and arise

rob is amazing this week: -

One of the most impressive elements of the Egyptian uprising in January and February came after it was all over. Eighteen days of street protests created a huge mess in Cairo's Tahrir Square and the surrounding area. When Hosni Mubarak finally resigned and reforms began percolating, thousands of demonstrators returned with brooms and rubber gloves and garbage bags to set the place back in order. I urge you to follow a similar sequence in the coming weeks, Gemini. Agitate for change; rebel against the stale status quo; fight corruption and ignorance; and once your work has led to at least a partial success, clean up after yourself.


today, my boss of nearly a decade left the company "due to personal reasons" within half a day of work. and this is after about 2 - 3 months of uprising from an 'ace squad' that create a great psychological mess among the 'unintended commoners'.

the reform will be taking place effectively from monday, with the ace squad forming alliance with some commoners to lead the operations.

i, as gemini, will resolve to do my bit to change myself, reactivate the stalemate and educate the ignorants. once i've done what i can with my pure conscious, i leave.

the time has come.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

an army of emotions

i knew his existence a few years back
but didnt listen to his songs

saw him on variety show recently with
very decent voice and looks
but still it didnt occur for me take a listen

till i heard this song from this ep

fantastic... not sure if it is the lyrics, the melody
or simply the way he sang it

full of emotions, that is

here is jones 石康鈞 with 不完美的完美
live at 小河岸
live at 西門河岸留言
music video (below)



作词:小寒作曲:李偲菘

生命是一块铁沸腾才能刻写
明天的我是不朽或浮生一瞥
人体内6公升血一颗颗都如酒浓烈
为爱疯狂没醉过的人不了解

哪怕偶尔得转换起点
哪怕选手缺少优先权没得选
我将犹豫都甩开
将目光都锁在同一个终点

前方越多的风险冒险越容易领先

我要我是谁就算梦未遂
也不让现实这土匪
把理想都盗走到老才数着後悔
感动是纤维纺织後成为一张被
你将我包围你的爱没白给
虽然我并不完美我并不完美

心意坚定如铁故事我自己写
你别看我安静但内心很狂野
我体内所有的血一分钟都不肯停歇
所谓疯狂是不管他人的误解

哪怕偶尔得转换起点
哪怕选手缺少优先权没得选
我将犹豫都甩开
将目光都锁在同一个终点

前方越多的风险冒险越容易领先

我要我是谁就算梦未遂
也不让现实这土匪
把理想都盗走到老才数着後悔
感动是纤维纺织後成为一张被
你将我包围你的爱没白给
虽然我并不完美虽然我并不完美
I'll be somebody someday

我要我是谁就算梦未遂
也不让现实这土匪
把理想都盗走到老才数着後悔
感动是纤维纺织後成为一张被
你将我包围你的爱没白给
虽然我并不完美

感动是纤维纺织後成为一张被
你将我包围你的爱没白给
虽然我并不完美
因为我不完美才会是独特的谁

Monday, July 26, 2010

premier yen-j

international langauge -
english + mandarin + hokkien?
or it could be music

yen-j (严爵) is the newbie signed up by bin music
he writes all his songs and arranges them as well
he is only 21 years old and highly talented

he grew up in the u.s. but was from gaoxiong, taiwan
launched his debut album about 2 or 3 months ago
(i lost track of time :P)
and i hope he will be featured soon in any upcoming in:music session

dont really think i can compare his music with anyone's
cos it is pretty original...
guess it helps that he has an all rounded and proper music education...
(think lee hom)

here's a bit of him
go get his album

Saturday, July 17, 2010

gagged

those are not friends
known by faces not by heart
the windows i used to have
are opened now to peeps

elusive i want to remain
keeping mum the things to say
now bursting in my lungs
makes it quite hard

so i am back at the same place
voicing my disgruntles
still polite though disheartened
afraid to break the thin thread

Saturday, July 10, 2010

rather

scattered thoughts
so hard to rein them
they just come
and then go

running pulses
head on with emptiness
they just push
and stop

solace
where is it to find
in the happy faces of youth
or in the experienced voice

in the end
it is still what is most familiar
that says how i feel
most aptly
most directly

back to the beginning when music touch me
and consoles me
and motivates me

minty's a rockster
yesterday, today and tomorrow
but tomorrow is still far away...



"想要执著反而蹉跎 越是等候反而越是错过 找到成就反而堕落。。。”
- 五月天 《反而》

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

paranonia anxietia

in times of stress, there is rob

and for what he included in this week's e-newsletter
include the things i think i will do (in bold)

soon

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The revised and expanded version of my book *PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA* is available at Amazon: http://bit.ly/Pronoia

and also at Powells:http://bit.ly/PronoiaPowells Below is an excerpt:


LUMINOUS TEASE


Change yourself in the way you want everyone else to change

Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be jerks
Avoid thinking about winning the lottery while making love
Brainwash yourself before someone nasty beats you to it
Confess big secrets to people who aren't very interested
Write a love letter to your evil twin during a lunar eclipse
Fool the tricky red beasts guarding the Wheels of Time
Locate the master codex and add erudite graffiti to it
Dream up wilder, wetter, more interesting problems
Change your name every day for a thousand days
Exaggerate your flaws till they turn into virtues
Kill the apocalypse and annihilate Armageddon
Brag about what you can't do and don't have
Get a vanity license plate that reads KZMYAZ
Bow down to the greatest mystery you know
Make fun of people who make fun of people
See how far you can spit a mouthful of beer
Pick blackberries naked in the pouring rain
Scare yourself with how beautiful you are
Simulate global warming into your pants
Stage a slow-motion water balloon fight
Pretend your wounds are exotic tattoos
Sing anarchist lullabies to lesbian trees
Plunge butcher knives into accordions
Commit a crime that breaks no laws
Sip the tears of someone you love
Build a plush orphanage in Minsk
Feel sorry for a devious lawyer
Rebel against your horoscope
Give yourself another chance
Write your autohagiography
Play games with no rules
Teach animals to dance
Trick your nightmares
Relax and go deeper
Dream like stones
Mock your fears
Drink the sun
Sing love
Be mojo
Do jigs
Ask id

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is it right for me to think that if i change to look like one of the cuties from super junior
guys around me will start to transform into so?

not banking on that...

well... me no wondergirl...