tears relay messages

i learnt a couple of things today... i am not sure if it has to do with rob's reading about "be ruthless in seeking out experiences that gives you a chance to tap into cultivate, and express your most unique qualities'.

today i finally had an outburst... it is not very glamourous when it happened at work. i got irritated at a colleague for calling me names that stemmed from me hurrying another colleague to go to lunch and crying "dont tell her where we are going... let's go quickly!" ok, so much for teasing, she said that calling me names was just joking too... when i expressed my displeasure at the unappropriate choice of names, she had to call me yet another one... that's it loh... so i hid in the cubicle and cried...

sitting on the toilet bowl had a very theraupetic effect for me... as i cried and attempt to expel wind from my body, i realised i am very stressed up by massive volume of work and increasing changes in the company... i have been, of cos, suppressing all the frustrations, anger, disappointment, unhappiness, annoynance, insecurity for all the longest time...

i had a hard time stopping myself... even getting out of the cubicle with minor success... went right back in after seeing my blood shot eyes... but because i didnt have my bag and phone and money and had a lot of work to do, had to face reality and go back to office... scaring maybe one or two on the way...

by the time i came home, i was beyond control of any sort... not really hell break loose kind, cos it's only me and i am really not that 'powerful'...

it was crying on the sofa with tv on, messaged a friend, then proceed to sob loudly in kitchen, then decided i should shower to calm myself down, so started removing my make-up while wailing and leaning on the basin, face wet and eyes red, walked to bedroom to get towel, walked back to kitchen, squated in front of the bathroom and sob loudly into the towel... then finally had a sister walked out of the room to check on me...

calmed down and went into the shower, continued with the tears relay, got out and messaged another friend cos the first friend hasnt replied, sobbed a little more, decided no matter what i should still eat, scooped half a bowl of rice and cried and put back one scoop of rice, switched on the computer with tears twinkling (or rinkling or whatever) down my face, realised that the internet connection was not working, cried cos i cant even blog now even though i desperately need to today, ate a mouthful of rice, finally got reply from friend (one of), cried, got another reply from another friend, continue crying....

so that was from about 8:40pm till now, which is about 10:50pm. i dont think i can enter world guiness record for crying for the longest time, but i could be the first to cry so long and bother to record it down.

all the while the above happened, there were 2 other people in the house... one behind a closed bedroom door, another ears plugged to a korean comedy... then about 20 minutes ago, another one came home, but basically i am non-existent or that i have not cried... life is nearly pathetic like this...

i finally realised how people can get murdered, jumped out of the window, raped, fainted and knocked into something without having witnesses even though there are people in the house. i could have been so close to have one of the above happened to me.

but i am too glad that non of the above happened to me. i was saved... but still frustrated :(

for so many lessons i learnt today, here are the points: -

> if you think you are overloaded, say you are, and decline any 'new opportunities' that are not relevant to your work, including renovating the office, doing another company's work when you have no bloody idea what the fuck they are doing

> when it is time to make changes, go ahead and make them, yourself! nobody loves you more than yourself. be kind to your body, mind and soul.

> people who dont care about other people's feelings or are not watchful of their mouth, citing frank character as the reason and disregard your presence, is well, not worth your time. they will never become a life long friend nor confidant.

> dont pretend that nothing has happened, but everything had! what's so weak about showing your feelings? it's not a weakness, it's just an embarassment. but what's so bad about being embarassing? it's not bad, just that you get laughed at. then you laughed with them.

> if you would like to get saved, you have to cry very loudly in the face of another person. IN THE FACE. that is exactly why so many korean stars dont get saved.. they cry alone at home. and they usually have ropes.

> never expect anyone who you sms to save you. not that because they dont want to, but because the timing will hardly be right. if you want someone remote to save you, you CALL. and the ambulance or police will be good choices.

> to get through life, you need a lot of optimism, humongous amout of humour, overflowing love for yourself and life, creativity for ways to vent frustrations, people you can laden with your worries (like SOS line), a thick skin for not feeling paiseh to laden your worries on other people, friends who give sensible consolations, friends who can drink with you and make sure you live till you are sober, family who are in the house but dont really care if you are alive until they realised the clothes are not folded and bills not paid...

in any case, i am not so serious about the family part, just that we should be more expressive...

and so much for crying... i have finally stopped (i think) at 11:15pm.

to rob, if crying is a talent, find me on the cinema screens near you...